Your last has been duly received and I assure you that I felt the most profound grattitude on receiving [it,] on taking it from the office I saw the well known hand & I knew that me and mine were not forgotten. Mothers letter I confess distressed me much & your not answering the request I made in my reply increased my gloom greatly. I began to considder it to be true that you, as
54well as all (as represented in mothers letter) regretted the comittal of a sister to my care. My mind became so disturbed that had I not received your letter when I did the next mail would have contained one for you asking your mind upon that melancholy subject. I feel greatful to the giver of all good that your mind has been disposed to look upon this subject in a candid and sensible way. We often think that were our lives to be lived again on earth that we would mend many acts which we look upon with regret. If your own wife were taken from you would be happier than I am if you could call to mind no act or circumstance (trivial in themselves) which you would not look upon with sorrow. I married Lucinda because I loved her. And he who sits on high knows that that flame can live for one and one alone. No one knew that fact better than she did. She was dutiful, and never ceased her endeavors to please me, may her reward be great. She was anxious as well as myself to become independent of the world and leave a competence for our son. We were prosperous but death came as a theif in the night and destroyed all our hopes. I do not regret that we married, far from it, nor do I regret that I brought her here. But there are many things which I do regret — Thoughtless and hasty words spoken & forgotten recur to mind but above all, that I did not see her danger in her last illness. How unfortunate I sometimes think that if I had bled her largely at the start possibly she would have recovered but her disease never assumed an alarming stage till no remedy would avail. As you say these regrets are a matter for my own concience. So be it. God have mercy on my soul. As to Mother, commend me to her, when her and I meet again perhaps we will understand each other better. In two years if God spares us I shall show her Lucindas child. My own dear son, he is now by my side in blooming health, pray with me that God may spare him a life for his wretched fathers sake, and that his mother may still live in him to comfort my declining years.
You say it is necessary for me to appoint a guardian for John. I would name your brother Levi if you have no objections with this proviso to endeavor to loan the money out at 6 percent and make it accumulate as much as it can. Money here brings from
556 to 10 percent readily. Also I do not know whether as guardian he could remove John from my care, if so the appointment is withdrawn. Otherways I should be glad if he would accept the trust as Lucinda bore testimony that he loved her well.
I should be pleased to see you here. I think it would be for your profit to visit the west, it would gratify me much, & you could then judge for yourself. If you were here I could live with you & I should feel much happier with those near & dear to me.
Let me hear from you soon, how glad I would be to see you. There is none here to whom I can call brother. I learn from home that my oldest sister is labouring under cancer & that her days are nearly finished. Such my friend is Mortality. Let us think of ourselves and O may our garments be white & our lamps lit as we approach after the bridegroom the doors of eternal life.